We belong

I've noticed a lot of talk lately about "finding your tribe" and it has me thinking...

Remember that feeling when, in primary school, you were starting back after a long school holiday break? That sense of anticipation that settled in your stomach as anxiety and grew throughout the morning until it was a raging fire by the time you entered the school grounds, wondering which of your friends would be in your new class and how nice - or not - your teacher would be?

By snack though the flames had been doused after you'd reunited with your friends and chatted excitedly like a nest of baby birds.

It was a sense of belonging that had calmed you.

A child's first awareness of belonging is with its family, however that looks, and it is a crucial part of development. Being loved unconditionally instills in them a sense of value, of worth, which grows as self esteem. Not all children are outwardly confident, but if they are happy with who they are it can go a long way in helping them navigate life.

Grace, loves music

As we get older it can be harder to belong, but it's so important to keep looking for that right fit.

My son started playing Australian Rules Football this year, in the under 8's for our local footy club. When I was buying his uniform I paid the optional extra $45 for a fleece jumper with the team logo knowing that all of the other mums were doing the same. The boys had their tops on faster than they could run and joined each other on the field for an impromptu training session. Later, when I told my mum about Zach's excitement I said: "This is the start of his football journey." She replied: "This is the start of him belonging to a team."

When I thought back to his reaction at putting on the team jumper, when he threw his arm around his best buddy and together they strode confidently to the oval, I knew she was right. I also knew then that this was an important moment for him, because this was the team he would belong to for a long time. The club will eventually become his home away from home. His teammates will be his allies. And the game of football will teach him about winning and losing; about sportsmanship; about brushing the dust off and getting back up when you're knocked down. He'll learn about working hard, team work, and
the joys of having a passion for something.

Zach is at home with his teammates

Numerous studies have been done around the world about the impact of sport on juvenile crime and whether belonging to a team can reduce a young persons involvement in wrongdoing. While there is no conclusive scientific evidence that this is the case, there does seem to be a lot of circumstantial evidence that suggests it helps.

Ask a school teacher which of their students is involved in an organised activity outside of the school and they'll name them quick as a flash. They'll most likely also tell you that those children are more settled in the classroom and socially involved in the playground. Being part of a team or a member of a group will give a child a sense of pride and encouragement, it will give them direction, and it keeps them busy - in other words, they won't go looking for things to do out of boredom. It also means they have an inner sanctum, another circle of friends to link arms with.  

Now, think about yourself: where do you feel that you most belong? Where does your support come from? As much as our children need to feel loved, supported and accepted, so do we.

Our families are our number one priority and they are our tribe no doubt about it, no matter how big or small. But it can be lonely, isolating and overwhelming even if we don't take a break from being on call 24 hours a day. Finding an outlet for our creativity and energy and our minds, and surrounding ourselves with another crew to lean on, laugh with, and be heard by, can give us a feeling of validation and purpose.

So what's my point? Well what I'm saying is, get involved. Find something that you love doing, or a group of people you connect with and jump right in. Play a sport, join a book club, or reconnect with your mother's group - even start one for that matter! In recent years I have been part of a writing group, I've played basketball and I'm currently doing pilates with a small group of school mums just once a week.

For your children, whatever the age, they too will need to look beyond you at some stage to find out what inspires them. I love watching my three participate in their various sports and activities. They have very different personalities so Zach's focus is football and basketball, while Lillia's is ballet and drama. Even Grace, at 13-months, is exploring her possibilities at a class for babies where play, movement and music is involved.

Lillia is a ballerina

If your kids need to try different options before landing on one then encourage them, because when they finally get excited and inspired by an activity, it is contagious and so enjoyable to witness. And this is where they will feel that fit, like thick woollen socks that hug your feet, they'll be embraced. They will know, without question, that they belong there. And isn't that what we want for them?

There's always home, for us and our children, but if it takes a village to raise a child then explore it, with them, and see who else is calling your names.

Good luck and enjoy! Let me know how you go…

Christi xo
 (Instagram: @christi.malthouse #myactivechild)